Seriously, I don’t. It made me think of Jay-Z’s dick and I suppose that’s nice, but otherwise I can’t think of one reason to care what’s cooking in her jelly. And yet, somehow, the revelation that she got completely spermed smashed all Twitter records, topping off at 8,868 tweets per second. That beat out the last record made by the World Cup butch-a-thon when some chick did something awesome and made other chicks care about something for a minute. Hurricane Irene topped out around 3000 tweets per second and that includes all of the ‘getting blown by Irene’ tweets from 10 year old boys and frat douches.
On The Boob Tube: Dance Moms. Seriously. It’s a lot like Toddlers and Tiaras with one remarkable difference. There isn’t any reason to hate the children in this show. I know, I can usually find a pretty good reason to hate children, but these ones are all pretty harmless. That means you start to feel sympathy for poor Nia when Fat Abby puts her in an afro wig and makes her perform drag queen Shangela’s They Call Me Laquifa. Since all of the moms are raging cunts and Fat Abby is a self-important marshmallow she-beast, you have to wonder how fucked up these kids are going to be.
The newest pairings for that crap show Dancing With The Stars dropped a big turd in the Twitter toilet with the announcement that Chaz Bono will be dancing with former SYTYCDer, Lacy Schwimmer. I love Chaz, but that’s not enough to make me watch this shit. Even the hope that Bristol Palin’s worn out uterus would prolapse and trip her up didn’t make me tune in to this brain-number. You know what will? The desperate hope that Nancy-Fucking-Grace will trip on her cloven hooves and fall heinous-face first into an inexplicably placed pit of venomous snakes and rusty spikes. Well, that and the remote possibility of a wardrobe malfunction and dick slip from David Arquette.
On The Web: If you’re an enormous fan of military-themed porn, complete with aggressive domination, boot licking, and community theater caliber acting like I am, then you’ll love AreYouSuprised. This headless, but scrumptious torso has been posting YouTube videos talking about being a big old homo in the military for a bit now. Alongside that, he’s been posting videos of an impossibly good Air Force chica singing songs like Adele’s Rolling In The Deep. Somewhere between the two, his fellow soldiers watched one and found the other. As he explains it, they didn’t seem to give a rat’s ass which is a brand new sort of story these days. Come late September, when DADT is supposed to be fully shit-canned, he plans to show his face. Given his misspelling of Surprised, his breadloaf pecs, and his Sylvester The Cat lisp, I can’t decide if this is a good thing or not.
On The Radio: I don’t even understand how it happened, but The Muppets just put out an album. The Green Album includes covers by a bunch of Indie hipster groups like OK Go doing the Muppets theme song. I can’t lie, I’ve watched this almost as much as I’ve watched Miss Piggy singing Peaches’ Fuck The Pain Away. I’m not getting my name put on some creepy government watchlist by buying this album, but once some h4xx0r illegally uploads the songs to YouTube, I’ll be checking out The Fray’s cover of Mahna Mahna and Weezer doing The Rainbow Connection. It’s not like my childhood can get any more twisted than it already is, so bring on the ruination.
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